Post by Gilberto on Dec 3, 2009 17:49:39 GMT -5
Sonny Tropicana vs. the World Crime League
CHAPTER ONE
THE BEES & THE BUNYIP
It was a cold and dark stormy night. The wind, howling like a banshee mad with blood lust, was whipped into a frenzy by the countless wings of the oncoming robot bees. Sonny Tropicana, armed with only a pair of garden shears still dripping with green blood from his first encounter with the strange new creatures, saw the shadow race across the meadow as the cloud of cyberbees blocked out the sun.
He made the sign of the holy cross across his chest like he had seen in movies, and roared in defiance: “Damn you, Regis Lagune!!!”
Clenching his teeth he reared back and let the garden shears fly into the cloud of cyberbees with its odd boomerang-like action. For a nanosecond, Sonny was grateful for his years studying the ancient boomerang art from his time in the Outback. His eyes squizzed at the tiny blue-green electrical explosions, following the path of the spinning shears, but it was futile.
It was then Sonny thought back to his long lost love, Zelda. Her long, flowing black hair. Her full, rosy lips. How they were the first couple to win the state dwarf throwing contest in their first year of participation. What the zombies did to her on that dark, dark day.
Just then Sonny realized what the memory of Zelda was telling him. The whirling garden shears were returning. In one fluid motion he reached up and snatched it from the air. Now the swarm of cyberbees was within spitting distance. Oh, the memory of Zelda hurling those dwarves...
It would be alright. Sonny didn’t have a dwarf handy but, instead a garden gnome. Hundreds of garden gnomes. Who would have thought that all those weeks of pottery class would pay off in a survival situation? He expeditiously grabbed the nearest gnome and let it fly toward the buzzing swarm. He began to sprint toward his barn, tossing every gnome that lined his path. If only he could reach his Gilberta model sex robot. With one command, he could turn her from pleasure mode to pain.
Then his real troubles began. There was a roar deep in the ground, as if the very earth feared the abomination approaching. He looked up and fell over in fright when he saw the reason for the swarming bees. The poor things were merely running away from the looming danger of the massive pack of running robot emus thundering towards them, plucking the robot bees from the air as they went!
Maybe the robot lady wouldn’t be enough! If only he’d listened properly in his outback lessons, then he might not make fast and loose with the Aussie slang, misusing words like squiz and unfortunately forgetting the cardinal rule all Aussie knew when dealing with Emu herds. He crawled to his feet and instead did the worst thing he possible could have, he jumped into the backseat of the Land Rover he left running when first noticed the cyberbees!
Sonny slapped his forehead at his idiocy! The misuse of Aussie slang was bad enough but this?! He was running out of time! The robotic emus began jumping on the Land Rover. Metallic talons punched thru the roof and shattered the rear windows. Reaching over the driver’s seat, Sonny grabbed the steering wheel with his left hand and with his right, he threw the garden shears at the accelerator pinning it to the floor. The Land Rover lurched forward as Sonny fought to control the vehicle.
The swerving vehicle threw the emus with such force that they exploded in huge fireballs as they hit the ground. Then, suddenly, the Land Rover hit a fallen garden gnome and was launched skyward! Airborne with a backdrop of billowing fireballs, Sonny was thrown from the Land Rover and landed unconsciously in a ditch that ran along the road.
As Sonny slowly opened his eyes, he realized that all around him was oddly quiet. Worst though, he realized that it was dark. With that realization, he shook out the cobwebs in his head and rushed to make it back to camp. He had to bring VRON back online. Her programming language was compatible with that of the bees and the emus (all products of the Rotwang Design Institute). It was all about modular systems, why hadn’t he thought of it before? Probably distracted by the zombie outbreak, which thus far seemed unrelated.
His job at the Outback Steakhouse had taught what he thought was appropriate use of Australian weapons and colloquialism, but traveling to that remote land had not proved beneficial. The Land Rover was wrecked, but it wouldn’t help where he was going. He dove into the billabong with the thought of VRON’s sleek figure and efficient software design. He had to finish the upgrade, it was his only hope.
But there was something else in the water. Oh God, no, thought Sonny. Not the bunyip, not now...
Greetings gentle being, said the voice in Sonny’s head.
Great, he thought, now the voices are back.
“I told you guys to go away!” he tried to yell underwater, but found himself woefully under equipped for the task. As his lungs filled with muddy water he realised too late his folly, but luckily felt himself gathered up into a pair of large, hairy arms and pulled towards the surface.
You silly Goose, said the voice in his head, you can’t talk underwater!
“Ahh! The Bunyip!” Sonny screamed through the bubbles of mud in his throat, picking up a nearby rock to throw at the beast beside him.
Put that down. The Bunyip sighed. Why does everyone keep thinking we Bunyips are bad?
“You drown people!” Sonny gurgled.
Nonsense! I admit many a swimmer has had an errant heart attack upon seeing my hairy visage, but I’ve never willfully killed someone. Except that one time.
“Well, if you’re such a nice guy, you can help me stop the emu/bee robot plague.” Sonny said as he wiped the mud from his eyes and nose.
Why of course, replied the Bunyip, I already have an idea, we’ll simply stuff Pumpkins down our pantaloons and intimidate the robots with our seemingly massive girth.
Sonny, being a trainee female impersonator, did not however agree with this idea.
“That’s the most disgusting and degrading idea I have ever heard!” cried Sonny, as his diamond studded high heels sank further into the Billabong.
CHAPTER ONE
THE BEES & THE BUNYIP
It was a cold and dark stormy night. The wind, howling like a banshee mad with blood lust, was whipped into a frenzy by the countless wings of the oncoming robot bees. Sonny Tropicana, armed with only a pair of garden shears still dripping with green blood from his first encounter with the strange new creatures, saw the shadow race across the meadow as the cloud of cyberbees blocked out the sun.
He made the sign of the holy cross across his chest like he had seen in movies, and roared in defiance: “Damn you, Regis Lagune!!!”
Clenching his teeth he reared back and let the garden shears fly into the cloud of cyberbees with its odd boomerang-like action. For a nanosecond, Sonny was grateful for his years studying the ancient boomerang art from his time in the Outback. His eyes squizzed at the tiny blue-green electrical explosions, following the path of the spinning shears, but it was futile.
It was then Sonny thought back to his long lost love, Zelda. Her long, flowing black hair. Her full, rosy lips. How they were the first couple to win the state dwarf throwing contest in their first year of participation. What the zombies did to her on that dark, dark day.
Just then Sonny realized what the memory of Zelda was telling him. The whirling garden shears were returning. In one fluid motion he reached up and snatched it from the air. Now the swarm of cyberbees was within spitting distance. Oh, the memory of Zelda hurling those dwarves...
It would be alright. Sonny didn’t have a dwarf handy but, instead a garden gnome. Hundreds of garden gnomes. Who would have thought that all those weeks of pottery class would pay off in a survival situation? He expeditiously grabbed the nearest gnome and let it fly toward the buzzing swarm. He began to sprint toward his barn, tossing every gnome that lined his path. If only he could reach his Gilberta model sex robot. With one command, he could turn her from pleasure mode to pain.
Then his real troubles began. There was a roar deep in the ground, as if the very earth feared the abomination approaching. He looked up and fell over in fright when he saw the reason for the swarming bees. The poor things were merely running away from the looming danger of the massive pack of running robot emus thundering towards them, plucking the robot bees from the air as they went!
Maybe the robot lady wouldn’t be enough! If only he’d listened properly in his outback lessons, then he might not make fast and loose with the Aussie slang, misusing words like squiz and unfortunately forgetting the cardinal rule all Aussie knew when dealing with Emu herds. He crawled to his feet and instead did the worst thing he possible could have, he jumped into the backseat of the Land Rover he left running when first noticed the cyberbees!
Sonny slapped his forehead at his idiocy! The misuse of Aussie slang was bad enough but this?! He was running out of time! The robotic emus began jumping on the Land Rover. Metallic talons punched thru the roof and shattered the rear windows. Reaching over the driver’s seat, Sonny grabbed the steering wheel with his left hand and with his right, he threw the garden shears at the accelerator pinning it to the floor. The Land Rover lurched forward as Sonny fought to control the vehicle.
The swerving vehicle threw the emus with such force that they exploded in huge fireballs as they hit the ground. Then, suddenly, the Land Rover hit a fallen garden gnome and was launched skyward! Airborne with a backdrop of billowing fireballs, Sonny was thrown from the Land Rover and landed unconsciously in a ditch that ran along the road.
As Sonny slowly opened his eyes, he realized that all around him was oddly quiet. Worst though, he realized that it was dark. With that realization, he shook out the cobwebs in his head and rushed to make it back to camp. He had to bring VRON back online. Her programming language was compatible with that of the bees and the emus (all products of the Rotwang Design Institute). It was all about modular systems, why hadn’t he thought of it before? Probably distracted by the zombie outbreak, which thus far seemed unrelated.
His job at the Outback Steakhouse had taught what he thought was appropriate use of Australian weapons and colloquialism, but traveling to that remote land had not proved beneficial. The Land Rover was wrecked, but it wouldn’t help where he was going. He dove into the billabong with the thought of VRON’s sleek figure and efficient software design. He had to finish the upgrade, it was his only hope.
But there was something else in the water. Oh God, no, thought Sonny. Not the bunyip, not now...
Greetings gentle being, said the voice in Sonny’s head.
Great, he thought, now the voices are back.
“I told you guys to go away!” he tried to yell underwater, but found himself woefully under equipped for the task. As his lungs filled with muddy water he realised too late his folly, but luckily felt himself gathered up into a pair of large, hairy arms and pulled towards the surface.
You silly Goose, said the voice in his head, you can’t talk underwater!
“Ahh! The Bunyip!” Sonny screamed through the bubbles of mud in his throat, picking up a nearby rock to throw at the beast beside him.
Put that down. The Bunyip sighed. Why does everyone keep thinking we Bunyips are bad?
“You drown people!” Sonny gurgled.
Nonsense! I admit many a swimmer has had an errant heart attack upon seeing my hairy visage, but I’ve never willfully killed someone. Except that one time.
“Well, if you’re such a nice guy, you can help me stop the emu/bee robot plague.” Sonny said as he wiped the mud from his eyes and nose.
Why of course, replied the Bunyip, I already have an idea, we’ll simply stuff Pumpkins down our pantaloons and intimidate the robots with our seemingly massive girth.
Sonny, being a trainee female impersonator, did not however agree with this idea.
“That’s the most disgusting and degrading idea I have ever heard!” cried Sonny, as his diamond studded high heels sank further into the Billabong.
